Groundhog Day, otherwise known as "Two Months"

Yes, tis true. Adam and I have been dating for two months today. Two months ago today I was feeling pretty miserable, but trying to fight it off as I knew Adam was supposed to be hanging out with me that night. I feared he might not want to come, but I just really wanted him to anyway. And he did. And he brought such delights as stew and a hot toddy, and even more: himself.
After we officially began dating, I happened to be getting my hair cut (yes, 10 whole inches off!), and my hairdresser Martin commented that it usually takes 2 months to decide if it's a relationship worth keeping. How anxious I've been off and on as I tried to figure out if our relationship was one worth hanging on to for both of us! Despite many differences between us, we seem to have some significant value to each other.
I don't know where this is going, but man, I'm so glad he's in my life right now!

Time Management

Anyone who knows me knows that time management and myself have never functioned well together for long. I don't know if it's something in the way my brain processes time or what, but I'm ALWAYS behind. Then the other night, I became aware that there might have been a slight shift in the way I function. On New Year's Eve, as we were heading out together, Adam made the comment that he was surprised he'd never had to wait for me to get ready; I was always ready on time. He seemed afraid to expect that experience to last. Later that night, that phenomenon of my timeliness came up at my parents' house. My mom said that all while I was growing up, she would read books on how to help me become better at managing my time, but none of them worked. And then she said to Adam, "You've been the best thing for her yet!"

It's true, though--at least so far. I do find myself striving to get my work done more quickly so that I can spend time with him. When I don't worry too much (and I do find myself worrying about crazy things, so much of it pertaining to hoping our relationship will last a while), I have such a great time with him. Having him around for some of Christmas and New Year's made this year incredibly special for me :-)

Oh, there's so much more, but I'd better get back to using my time wisely so I can hang with him tonight!

I confuse myself

So I met a guy here. Adam. He's awesome. So awesome. Fun, kind, service-oriented. Catholic and faith-filled. Loves family and friends. Has listened to me, supported me, helped me grade papers. Checked on me, made me meals, taken me out. He has prayed with me and shopped with me (for Christmas stuff-not regularly!) He went to my staff Christmas party and met my family and allowed me to meet his. And now we're dating.

I realized today that it has been only 4 days longer than a month since I even developed a crush on him. And today I just feel overwhelmed by this new relationship. Is there such a thing as too close too fast? Because that is how I feel right now. How many things have I put on the back burner because of the time I've spent with him? I've definitely gotten a lot less sleep. I think all my Christmas gifts I meant to make will be late now because I haven't started any of them. At least most of my shopping is done. But for anyone reading this, know that your cards and/or gifts will be late because they're still in the bags I bought over Thanksgiving.

I am so glad to have someone new in my life who seems to care about me, but today I felt more panicked about it than anything. I hope that's not completely abnormal. I think I just need a little time: for myself, for my projects and personal things, and for letting this relationship just go where it's meant to go.

The other shoe drops

I know I tend to make these blog posts horribly heavy outpourings of events and thoughts, but well, I guess it's better here than on facebook :-)

Yesterday became the day I feared since Pedro moved back in with my parents. Since I expected some of this to occur sooner, I shouldn't have been so surprised when it did at last happen. For some reason, the holidays seem to make Pedro more antagonistic towards Mom and Dad. I could feel it the other night when I ate dinner over at my parents'. Mom was at work, but there was this glint in Pedro's eye when he spoke to my dad; his tone carried an edge I haven't heard in a long time. He simmered with resentment about the surgery from two years ago--the unexpected appendectomy that resulted after a few days of Pedro moaning about a pain he couldn't articulate. Now he claims he told Mom and Dad that he wanted to go to the hospital, but KC was there, too, and she called him out on it: no, he hadn't mentioned the hospital at all. Pedro has this habit of remembering what he imagines and not what is accurate.

Now he is denial about what happened at school. It's obvious that he isn't liked there; no one ever calls him back when he invites them out. Wednesday he apparently got in a fight with a kid on the basketball team. Then he pushed the coach away when the man tried to break the kids apart. He earned a two-day suspension for that. Even worse is that he is being accused of sexually harassing kids at school; one mother is to the point of filing a lawsuit against the school. In therapy Pedro only expresses his rage at everyone; his adamant denial of having done anything wrong; his fury that Mom and Dad don't believe him; his trust of only his biological dad, his real brother, and Cely.

I realize only this: that nothing and no one will ever help Pedro unless he can let himself love and be changed by that love.

Right now . . .I just can't see that happening.

Morning ponderings

Ever wake up before you intend to? Have that unexpected jolt into alertness that seems to cajole your whole body into a response, and before you know it, nothing in you can return to dreams? I'm not entirely sure what prompted such an event for me this morning. It seems strange on a break. Maybe it's that I feel like I haven't accomplished anything I've meant to do this break. Few Christmas presents bought or determined. No grading or planning completed. No books finished, although I am working diligently on watching Sons of Anarchy with KC (Who would have thought I'd like that? Sometimes I surprise myself.) I would like to submit a few poems to a contest. I doubt that any of them are good enough for publication, but I just want to try. Just to share what I write somewhere. Maybe someday I'll actually write some of those stories that twirl through my mind like half-finished thoughts.

I kind of have a crush on a guy here. I feel so silly because sometimes I get so giddy. And other times I get so down. Like this morning--starting off bummed because he didn't text me at all yesterday, and I want to just send him a random text, but I don't know if he'd welcome that or just find me clingy. I mean, I've been around him a lot in the past few days: a movie on Friday night, a concert on Saturday, lunch on Monday . . .The concert was with other people, but the other two things, well, not only was it just us, but he paid for me, too. (He shouldn't have, but he just kept saying he knew how much I made as a teacher, and he felt generous. He seems like someone who feels generous a lot.) I haven't wanted to bog KC down with too many of my girly worries/thoughts, but I want to share them somehow. Of course, in sharing, I worry that I might be misreading things, and the times I've had with him are merely a nice guy who's bored. I'll build these silly possibilities in the sky and then watch them tumble down today or tomorrow or next when I realize he is interested in someone else. Or just not interested in me. Or maybe I'll lose interest. Sometimes I get very excited about someone and then . . .just not anymore. Ask KC. It's happened to me rather a lot.

Well, enough of these maudlin reflections. It's almost Thanksgiving! My parents are hosting what sounds like a growing number of people at their house on Friday rather than Thurs because my mom works all day. I made dinner for Dad, KC, and the kids last night since my mom was working. I felt great about helping and not so great about how there's not much space in our apartment for folks to move around. But it was still pleasant. And now I'm going to work on being at least pleasant today.

11-11-11

It's 11:31 on 11-11-11, and it occurred to me that I would really like to record something on this date. So here it is.

:-)

The forming of new habits

After weeks of mostly worried and/or complaining-type blog posts, I think I can provide a mostly positive one today. My one, brief-yet-heavily on my mind comment is that my mental spot is more and more like it was last fall right before Thanksgiving break where I felt I was having a mental collapse about teaching. It is incredibly hard to face another full week of school. I feel very tense about it and completely lacking in the desire to go. Not quite sure how to get rid of that feeling, but it does make me want to give up teaching again.

A few things I notice that do make me happy, though, are these. For one, the frequent family meals I get to enjoy. For the most part, getting to have dinner three or more times a week with my parents and sibs has been very enjoyable. I always get a real meal, and people are always happy to see me. It cuts down on some of my work-related stress.

Another thing I enjoy is that KC and I have found this awesome place called Great American Harvest Co, which makes fresh bread and other kinds of bakery items. They have the most amazing scones I've ever tasted. The bummer is that they're not open on Sundays, but she and I have attempted to work a scone in the past few Saturdays. (With the exception of yesterday because they were out :(

Also, KC and I have been found walking more places near our apartment. That is something I truly enjoy about where I live. Yesterday I walked to a grocery store (not the one we usually use because of its pricey food), and it felt fantastic. Friday night KC and I walked down to her pharmacy to grab the meds she needs. Granted, it wasn't a very enjoyable walk for a large chunk of it because we walked along Hillside, one of the busier streets in Amarillo, at rush hour. But still, I like the idea of walking more places.

I do feel hopefully about making a happy life here for the most part. It's just a longer process than I remembered.