The other shoe drops

I know I tend to make these blog posts horribly heavy outpourings of events and thoughts, but well, I guess it's better here than on facebook :-)

Yesterday became the day I feared since Pedro moved back in with my parents. Since I expected some of this to occur sooner, I shouldn't have been so surprised when it did at last happen. For some reason, the holidays seem to make Pedro more antagonistic towards Mom and Dad. I could feel it the other night when I ate dinner over at my parents'. Mom was at work, but there was this glint in Pedro's eye when he spoke to my dad; his tone carried an edge I haven't heard in a long time. He simmered with resentment about the surgery from two years ago--the unexpected appendectomy that resulted after a few days of Pedro moaning about a pain he couldn't articulate. Now he claims he told Mom and Dad that he wanted to go to the hospital, but KC was there, too, and she called him out on it: no, he hadn't mentioned the hospital at all. Pedro has this habit of remembering what he imagines and not what is accurate.

Now he is denial about what happened at school. It's obvious that he isn't liked there; no one ever calls him back when he invites them out. Wednesday he apparently got in a fight with a kid on the basketball team. Then he pushed the coach away when the man tried to break the kids apart. He earned a two-day suspension for that. Even worse is that he is being accused of sexually harassing kids at school; one mother is to the point of filing a lawsuit against the school. In therapy Pedro only expresses his rage at everyone; his adamant denial of having done anything wrong; his fury that Mom and Dad don't believe him; his trust of only his biological dad, his real brother, and Cely.

I realize only this: that nothing and no one will ever help Pedro unless he can let himself love and be changed by that love.

Right now . . .I just can't see that happening.

Morning ponderings

Ever wake up before you intend to? Have that unexpected jolt into alertness that seems to cajole your whole body into a response, and before you know it, nothing in you can return to dreams? I'm not entirely sure what prompted such an event for me this morning. It seems strange on a break. Maybe it's that I feel like I haven't accomplished anything I've meant to do this break. Few Christmas presents bought or determined. No grading or planning completed. No books finished, although I am working diligently on watching Sons of Anarchy with KC (Who would have thought I'd like that? Sometimes I surprise myself.) I would like to submit a few poems to a contest. I doubt that any of them are good enough for publication, but I just want to try. Just to share what I write somewhere. Maybe someday I'll actually write some of those stories that twirl through my mind like half-finished thoughts.

I kind of have a crush on a guy here. I feel so silly because sometimes I get so giddy. And other times I get so down. Like this morning--starting off bummed because he didn't text me at all yesterday, and I want to just send him a random text, but I don't know if he'd welcome that or just find me clingy. I mean, I've been around him a lot in the past few days: a movie on Friday night, a concert on Saturday, lunch on Monday . . .The concert was with other people, but the other two things, well, not only was it just us, but he paid for me, too. (He shouldn't have, but he just kept saying he knew how much I made as a teacher, and he felt generous. He seems like someone who feels generous a lot.) I haven't wanted to bog KC down with too many of my girly worries/thoughts, but I want to share them somehow. Of course, in sharing, I worry that I might be misreading things, and the times I've had with him are merely a nice guy who's bored. I'll build these silly possibilities in the sky and then watch them tumble down today or tomorrow or next when I realize he is interested in someone else. Or just not interested in me. Or maybe I'll lose interest. Sometimes I get very excited about someone and then . . .just not anymore. Ask KC. It's happened to me rather a lot.

Well, enough of these maudlin reflections. It's almost Thanksgiving! My parents are hosting what sounds like a growing number of people at their house on Friday rather than Thurs because my mom works all day. I made dinner for Dad, KC, and the kids last night since my mom was working. I felt great about helping and not so great about how there's not much space in our apartment for folks to move around. But it was still pleasant. And now I'm going to work on being at least pleasant today.

11-11-11

It's 11:31 on 11-11-11, and it occurred to me that I would really like to record something on this date. So here it is.

:-)

The forming of new habits

After weeks of mostly worried and/or complaining-type blog posts, I think I can provide a mostly positive one today. My one, brief-yet-heavily on my mind comment is that my mental spot is more and more like it was last fall right before Thanksgiving break where I felt I was having a mental collapse about teaching. It is incredibly hard to face another full week of school. I feel very tense about it and completely lacking in the desire to go. Not quite sure how to get rid of that feeling, but it does make me want to give up teaching again.

A few things I notice that do make me happy, though, are these. For one, the frequent family meals I get to enjoy. For the most part, getting to have dinner three or more times a week with my parents and sibs has been very enjoyable. I always get a real meal, and people are always happy to see me. It cuts down on some of my work-related stress.

Another thing I enjoy is that KC and I have found this awesome place called Great American Harvest Co, which makes fresh bread and other kinds of bakery items. They have the most amazing scones I've ever tasted. The bummer is that they're not open on Sundays, but she and I have attempted to work a scone in the past few Saturdays. (With the exception of yesterday because they were out :(

Also, KC and I have been found walking more places near our apartment. That is something I truly enjoy about where I live. Yesterday I walked to a grocery store (not the one we usually use because of its pricey food), and it felt fantastic. Friday night KC and I walked down to her pharmacy to grab the meds she needs. Granted, it wasn't a very enjoyable walk for a large chunk of it because we walked along Hillside, one of the busier streets in Amarillo, at rush hour. But still, I like the idea of walking more places.

I do feel hopefully about making a happy life here for the most part. It's just a longer process than I remembered.

A 4-day breather

Cue massive sigh--of the good sort. The kind you're allowed when you actually have a moment to pause, glance around, and notice that the seasons have switched. The kind you can only authentically deliver when too much has squished itself inside of you for too long. Feel that? Your mental lungs are expanding.

After several weeks of "go-go-go", it feels awesome to have a few moments to process it all. I realize that though I didn't want it to happen, my job has again become my first priority. 90 % of my energy expends itself there. And as I have experienced previously, my resentment has resurfaced. I do like being a classroom teacher. I've found it to be both challenging and rewarding in many positive ways in my growth as a person. But I am increasingly disgusted with the way it consumes my hours. I don't believe I get enough back from it anymore to make it worth all it takes from me. Certainly I understand that at this point, it feels all-consuming because I have all new classes this year. But I've been a 1st year teacher somewhere 4 times in 8 years of teaching. And I truly never want to be one again. I don't even want to finish off this year as one because I find myself wishing away so much of this year of my life. And as I approach 30 this upcoming year, I really don't want to look back on all of my 20's as the decade I spent working my financially independent life away. I've learned in the past seven weeks of working with many part-times teachers that I wish I could find a way to support myself and teach part time. Truly, teaching groups of kids and connecting with them are two things that have enriched my life above and beyond almost anything else. But to prepare for that and to feel that I am doing the job of which I believe I am capable I'm finding is next to impossible right now. I merely skim the surface of who and what I want to be as a teacher. And that is just not acceptable to me. I can't do less than my best for more than a short period of time without beginning to tumble into the land of self-disappointment and disdain.

Fortunately, for this year at least, the five people I treasure the most in the world are within a 12-15 minute driving distance. The other 9.95 % of my life I get to spend with them, and right now, I am so thrilled to do so. I watched Thor with KC last night, I spent an hour or more helping Pedro on vocabulary the other night (incidentally, the exact same vocab. I'd taught J23 8th graders for the past 5 years), I've been to Cely's soccer games, and I've been able to see my parents several times a week for a few months now. After yearning to do just these things for a while, I am so grateful to get this time. I wonder how I survived without it for so long.

And the other .05%? Well, I'm really eager to find some folks with whom to become buddies. I do attend the YA group at St. Thomas right now, and I've enjoyed many of the people I've met there . . .but that's pretty much the extent of my relationship with them. With the exception of one guy, I've not done one single other activity with anyone from that group--although I think I'd like to hang out with at least a few of them. And that one more friendly fellow--well, both KC and I agree that while he's exceptionally nice, he's just not that much fun. We find nothing about which to converse, so unless we're just watching a movie and then calling it a night, it's not interesting to be together. My school, unfortunately, has not provided friendship revenue, either. The one guy near my age recently became engaged and really his schedule almost never connects with mine. And he's been pretty distant from the start. I felt awkward about being the two only young, single teachers at the school, so I never knew quite how to approach getting to know him without appearing as though I was man-hunting. And now it feels almost as though the window of opportunity has passed. And maybe there's another person, another path to take--but I'm not sure where or how. Thank goodness for KC's friends--and for her in general. I'd be so depressed socially if it weren't for her.

All-in-all, I'm reasonably glad to be here in TX again. Ascension at least seems like a place where I can grow as a teacher, and Amarillo is the place where I can reconnect or connect for the first time with all the members of my now-immediate family. But I'd be thrilled to find more time and space to be someone other than a teacher and more someone's regular friend.

Ah, Life. What a work in progress.

Verisimilar

For whatever reason, I can't pretend away stress. When folks ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell them if I feel comfortable at all doing so.

So how has this school year been? Stress x a ton. I forgot how phenomenally hard it is to be a teacher; I am reminded why I wanted to give up the profession. How does one learn to let it go? I want to be challenging, I want to be fun, I want kids to feel time in my class is worthwhile. I have an incredibly hard time knowing that I'm not going to be the best I can be this year. At one point I thought I was ok with that. But I realize as I go through this year, and I have one 9th grade class which leans towards overconfidence, and the other which leans toward non-responsiveness that I just don't know the material well enough to meet both of them where they're at. And my poor 6th grade English and 8th grade religion classes . . .well, I do show up for their periods, but neither one is where I spend most of my mental and/or prep time. Then on top of these, I have to work on finding apps to use with my iPad from school when I still can't get my classroom technology to work correctly, AND begin looking into a service program for the whole school . . .I love all of these things, but if I could just put a couple of them off for a few more months . . .

Well, I'll hang in there. But I can't promise more than that right now.

System overload

I must have just worn myself out. That's the only explanation I can give for how sick I've felt this weekend. I mean, really--I get sinus infections multiple times a year, but this one has just wiped me out for most of this Labor Day weekend.

Granted, these past three weeks have been go-go-go. Before school started I felt so panicked, thinking I would never be hard enough for the pre-AP freshmen class (who are pretty sharp, I must admit). Then KC and I moved in ROR apartments the weekend before school started. We've been living amid boxes these past two weeks; every weekend sees us dumping out a few more boxes and buying more furniture as we attempt to organize a smaller space than either of us are used to. I'm pretty excited about how it all will look when it's done.

Then there's been the getting used to a new school. So far, I am enjoying my new coworkers; they seem more openminded and passionate about being good teachers than I sometimes find. However, there's only a couple close to my age at all. And I do miss J23. I miss all the people I grew to love there, and I miss being established in the school community--not some unknown figure to parents and students alike. I miss feeling sure of what I needed to teach and when. But I think Ascension will help me continue to grow as an educator, and that is worthwhile. It's just a ton of work right now.

There's also been me trying to work in getting to know other folks around here. The YA group I've spent some time with has been fun, but only one person has made an effort to get to know me outside of that venue. (And he can be a bit . . .persistent? Boring? Unkind of me, I suppose, but well, that's how it goes.)

Finally, there's been adjustments in my family. I'm trying not to worry too much about Pedro's being home and what that does to my parents and Cely, but it's hard. He's been back 2 weeks now, and he definitely was on his best behavior the first week or so. Now I'm starting to see some of the rough edges again, and I wonder how this will go. What maybe makes me the saddest right now is how different Cely is again. In the brief times I get to see her, she is so quiet. She almost never giggles or teases as she did all summer before Pedro came back. Some of her spirit and sass seems sucked under something once again. It's disheartening, and I wish I knew what to do.

I'd appreciate prayers for my family, if you think of them.