Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Reside in peace, Chereia Marie

Isn't grieving for the living? Do we really mourn for the one who's gone, or just our own sadness at that thought? I have to believe that Chereia's in a happier, easier, healthier place now. She had been through so very, very much in the past few months. I couldn't wish her back to that. But I would wish for time to hear her laugh which came from the soul, her warmth, her hold-nothing back kind of hugs, her exuberance, and her kindness. And also for her inordinate curiosity into others' lives, either through the OTR apartment windows or through watching her soap operas. I'd wish back her audacity: how she'd always ask questions for me that I was too hesitant to ask and how she was fearless enough to move to Cincinnati for a while. I'd wish back meeting at CiCi's Pizza to vent for a while, or for her to meet me in Monroe to help me grade papers and chat. I'd wish back how she was so willing to be friends with someone like me, someone from a background so incredibly different than her own.

But I have to be glad that at least she's not in pain anymore, that she's not relegated to an ICU bed any longer. What a sad existence for a vibrant girl in her early twenties! And she should have so much more than that.

So, Chereia Marie, I just want you to know that I can still hear your belly laugh and can still feel your encompassing hug. You and I won't meet again in this life, but God willing, we'll meet in the next. I love you, friend.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

It's in the little things

It's really been a pretty good week. Pedro leaves, and the stress level in most of us goes way down. Cely's attitude swings back towards the positive. Most of us relax. We have one more week before KC and I move out . . .and P comes back. It's the last shot for him here my dad says. I hope that's true. And . . .I hope it works. Or at least I try to hope for that.

I've spent quite a bit of time with Cely the past few days since KC was working her 48 shift at the Children's Home. Cely helped me for hours at Ascension on Thurs. She even was amazingly handy in putting together a bookcase with me. Sometimes she is so much fun; I just love to hug her. My maternal instincts seem to emerge around her. Last night we watched Angels in the Outfield together. I couldn't help but bawl as little Joseph Gordon-Levitt expresses his wish for a family as he waits in foster care for his dad to get his life together. Cely didn't cry that I could see, but I wanted to ask her so badly if that's how she and Pedro used to feel: that longing for family and wish for a miracle. When and where did she, at least, get the courage to let another family love her?

Yesterday Sonny--the Irish setter/spitz mix dog that Pedro and Cely picked out last week--came here. Apparently he couldn't come to our house till he had been neutered. Poor guy. But he's here now--and he's a beautiful dog. I think he's about 8 months old. So far he appears to be very nervous and shy. His reluctance to let any of us touch him reminds me of Pedro. Makes me wonder if the two of them will be able to bond, or if they will be like ships in the night, merely passing by on their parallel paths. My hope is that P won't be too lazy, and that he will invest a lot of his bored life into getting to know Sonny to help heal them both. Maybe that's too much to hope for.

Another seemingly small moment that still touched my heart was a story my mother shared with KC and me yesterday. The three of us were watching Dad approach Sonny, and Mom suddenly turned to KC and me and told us the story of a collie named Pooch that her family owned when she was tiny. She described how protective the collie was, how when someone would drive up to her family farm, that dog would circle around all the kids in the family (ultimately there were 10 of them) and eye the stranger as if to say, "I know where all these kids are, and you aren't getting any of them." Mom said something about Sonny's hair and face reminded her of Pooch.

KC and I both exclaimed how adorable we thought Mom must have been as a little girl, how we would have just loved her tiny self and would have hugged her all the time just because she was so cute and needed protection. And she laughed and said she used to frustrated her mom so much when she was little because evidently, Mom liked dirt. Yep, you'd never guess it, but Mom was a dirt-eater and lover as a gal. At first, KC and I were very confused--wait, Mom, you liked to EAT . . .DIRT?? "Yes," she giggled. "And I liked it so much that I convinced Kathy and JoAnn (the 2 sisters closest in age to her) to eat dirt too. I always had to get dewormed, but I just loved it. My mom would see our mouths ringed with brown, and she would say, 'Are you eating dirt again?' And I'd shake my head and say, 'No!'" It was impossible not to burst out laughing at the thought of our mother not only eating dirt, but loving it and convincing her sisters to eat it, too. All these years of knowing my mom, I never would have guessed this about her. Most of her childhood memories express great sadness or bitterness.

I love my family.


Monday, August 8, 2011

Welcome home . . .now go back!

It really was ok. Really. Pedro didn't do anything wrong this weekend.

But it was just a weekend, and behavior can be controlled for two days.

I guess that's one part of the thoughts that have weighed so heavily on my mind this past weekend. The other major one is that I've realized something in living back at my parents' house these past few weeks: every anxiety-ridden and worry-driven tendency that I have comes directly from my mom and dad. If you take their natural habits and fears and combine them into one, you get me. So imagine if you will how paralyzing my own worries are when added to the worries of my parents. I find it hard to function. If I had to actually live in this house as my parents reintroduce Pedro here, I'm pretty sure I'd have to be in a coma to deal with it.

Overly dramatic? Perhaps. But I couldn't function yesterday because I could tell my father was stressed and wanted Pedro to leave the house. Let me repeat: Pedro didn't really challenge my parents at all this past weekend. He was fairly pleasant--at least as much as he is capable of being. I woke up with a sullen headache that refused to depart, and I couldn't shake the shadow on my mind, that shadow of NOT KNOWING how this will end or even develop. Is this return an event that will reveal a miraculous recovery and the eventual creation of a healthy family--or will this be a simple--and painful--exercise in faith that challenges us to love and try even though Pedro will never be able to stay with our family? How much will my parents have to try before they'll feel it's ok to call it enough? They've prayed and prayed and prayed about this; they feel like God is in this somehow, even though they practically shake when they talk to and about Pedro. Maybe they are only called to plant a seed in Pedro. He seems hellbent on making as many destructive choices that he can make in his teen years. How can they undo 13 years of shoddy decision-making regarding him? Already Cely seems to read better than he does. He couldn't even read the words "Sonny" (the name of their new dog) or "emergency" (he thought it said "electricity"). Cely corrected him both times.

I believe on some levels that God often challenges us outside of our comfort zones; He takes us farther than we ever thought we could go: faith can move mountains and all that. Miracles didn't stop after Jesus ascended back to heaven. There's that saying that God never gives us more than we can handle . . .so is Pedro's return a sign that God trusts my parents tremendously? If this event were a biblical story, would it be the triumph of Esther or the tragedy of Job? And how does one live with the not knowing, the questions, until one lives into the answers?

My answer right now: I really don't know.